Numair: Now’s the time where you tell me everything’s gonna be okay.
Onua: Everything’s gonna be okay.
Numair: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT ONUA!

lllness:

cat: *meows in a distance*

my mom’s voice from the kitchen: you want a tomato, you fool? you won’t eat it

cat: *meows louder*

budgiebazooka:

anti-anti-survivor:

pumpkinvictor:

pumpkinvictor:

pumpkinvictor:

pumpkinvictor:

if i were a zookeeper my intrusive thoughts would be wild

brain: slap that penguin. right across his little blubbery tummy. it’ll jiggle.

me: no??? that’s mean???

brain: polar bear, then

me: no

brain: the lions just got fed raw meat

me: yes?

brain: steal it and eat it in front of them

me: …

rowan i want you to know that this is the best possible reply i could have received

I work with animals and this is true for me. No, I cannot eat sea stars out the touch tank no matter HOW good you think the cronch will be, brain. 

sometimes you wonder what was going through the head of the first human to eat something really weird and then you see this post and stop wondering

Hubb: You’re skipping work?
Cher: I called in sick
Hubb: Called who? You’re the boss…
Cher: I know, it was a very strange conversation

apopse-leipeis:

Satan: hey I bought your soul last month and-
Me: no returns.
Satan: please it’s making me sad.